What happens when you mix stimulation-seeking and poor impulse control, mixed with a dash of people-pleasing and low self-esteem from feeling like you fall short with living up to your potential? You guessed it! A draw toward dysfunctional relationships.

It’s common for us ADHD-ers to fall victim to the ups-and-downs of unhealthy (dare I say toxic!) relationship patterns. There are many reasons why this is the case, more reasons that I could easily list here, so just take my word for it for now: If you struggle with this, you are not alone. By a long shot. And, trust me, I feel you on this one!

So, why is ADHD sometimes the worst wingperson?

Okay, take this example: Let’s imagine we are out with friends one evening. We see two men at the bar: one who seems reserved, makes eye contact but perhaps doesn’t approach us, appears to be having an in-depth conversation with one of his buddies. The other is dancing the night away, double-fisting drinks and has no problem asking us for our number, telling us we are the MOST gorgeous thing he has ever laid his eyes on (insert major heart eye emojis!). Which one do you think the typical ADHD-er is going to gravitate toward?

Be honest…Mr. Excitement, right?

I’ll admit this is definitely a generalization, because not all of us ADHD-ers are the same (and not all Mr. Excitements are bad news or main ingredients in a toxic relationship). However, allowing emotions to override our logical mind in the moment, especially when someone or something is sparkly, is a key component of living with this brain type. And once we are hooked, yikes. It can it be difficult to pull ourselves away from the stimulation an emotional roller-coaster of a relationship can provide.

Think of it as a really stressful, omg-beyond-frustrating, ‘I can’t believe I got back together with them again,’ way of self-medicating when you have ADHD.

What can we do about this? Well, we can work on getting clarity on what we want in a partner, the qualities that are important to us beyond the “love at first sight” butterflies that we cannot always trust to have our longterm best interest at heart. We can also learn how to get our stimulation-needs met (hello dopamine!) in healthier, more consistent ways so that we aren’t as prone to getting pulled back into toxic ways of getting our engine running.

Because let’s be real, Mr. or Mrs. Excitement may be cute, but they aren’t worth losing sight of what you REALLY want in life.